Hello, I hope the Fall is off to a great start for you and yours.
It’s not for everyone. “Hey, my wife and I are getting a divorce.” I got that phone call last week from a friend.
I was filled with sadness. They have a child who is friends with one of our boys. I have seen multiple friends go through a divorce and it’s always very difficult on everyone.
“I’m so sorry to hear that. Please let me know if there’s anything we can do to be supportive, including having [your child] over for a while,” I said. “And thanks for letting us know.”
When I was young and stupid, I used to think that a divorce said something about those involved. Over the years I figured out that wasn’t true; it’s more like a natural disaster that some people go through. As a friend put it, “There’s nothing wrong with divorce, but there’s a lot of value that gets destroyed, particularly if kids are involved.” Among the friends I have whose marriages have ended, money was often a factor, as it is in most relationships, but generally not the main one. There was more often a disintegration of the relationship that was bigger than money struggles. Oftentimes, one partner became consumed with something, whether it was work or just becoming unhappy. In some cases, one partner seemed to experience mental or emotional problems.
I sometimes joke to people, “Still married!” when they ask how I’m doing. I’m grateful for that given that I spent the better part of several years on the road campaigning. Thank you to Evelyn for putting up with a lot! My parents were immigrants to the U.S. and are still together today; they seemed more occupied with trying to make their way in a new country than whether they were enjoying themselves.
One presumption you have is that other families are clicking on all cylinders, and your problems or your kids’ problems are unique. But then you have a late night conversation with another parent and you hear what they’re going through and think, “Wow, maybe I don’t have it so bad.” As Tolstoy put it, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Yes, I read that book a million years ago.
As a parent, you tend to focus on the external with your kids: what kind of neighborhood or school they’re in, what kinds of activities to put them in, their nutrition and safety, that kind of thing. But occasionally they struggle and you feel totally powerless, because the struggle is nothing you can help with; it’s happening inside of them. There’s a meltdown, and you have a range of mitigation or damage control behaviors to choose from. Sometimes, you don’t make the right choice because it isn’t clear what that is. Every parent just hopes to make more decent choices than bad ones.
One of the themes we had at Venture for America was having something called an ‘internal locus of control;’ that is, you should act like you can control or impact the situation rather than think that it’s happening to you. One attitude could be, “Oh man, that teacher doesn’t like me.” The internal question would be, “What could I do to improve this teacher’s opinion of me?” You imagine that you can impact things positively. It’s very useful for entrepreneurship.
It's useful for relationships too. What can you do to make the situation better? Some relationships are obviously beyond help, but others might not be. Often, we imagine that we can control or influence others, but the truth is that the person we have the most control over is ourselves. You start with self-control and go on from there. Sometimes, your self-control might rub off on someone.
The big begins with the small. I’m a serial entrepreneur who has designs on improving the human condition. But day-to-day the best thing I could probably do is wake up early, get some exercise, do something positive with or for Evelyn and the boys, check in with my Mom, try and be a solid friend to those who are going through struggles, and be as grateful as I can be for the good things and people in my life. And remember that it’s okay to seek joy in things, even in difficult times.
If you’re young or unattached, keep putting yourself in position to build relationships. It will pay off in the end, even if some of the experiences hurt along the way. There’s a person on the other side.
Everyone has a fight they’re waging, either external or internal. You sometimes can’t control your circumstances, but you can determine your own actions and attitude. If you work on yourself, you’ll have a much better shot at changing your tiny corner of the world. And who knows, it could grow a lot from there.
To see what Forward is doing in your area, click here. For my interview of independent Nebraska Senate candidate Dan Osborn, click here. I’m working on something that will get more buying power into people’s hands that I’m very excited about. The next Offline Party is in New York on September 18th that will double as a launch party. Try and be present and grateful.